Missing Piece

Okay, just needing to organize my thoughts into words i can refer back to... So where to start.. I want to keep my mind focused on the things that are important to me. It's so easy to get distracted in everyday life by the things that are only illusions of importance.
So, what is important? To me, right now I am seeking knowledge. I am looking for fulfillment of the soul- satisfaction of my spirit... I want to be in a state of awareness. It's funny because it's like your soul plays "hot/cold" with you at all times.. You can feel when you're on the path your collective consciousness wants you to be on- like it gets excited when you are near discovering or obtaining or finding what you're looking for. And when you're not close, you feel that depression or sadness set in. That 'lost' feeling. When you stray, your body and mind and spirit lose that connection to what you want.
On a beautiful note, I have recently found what feels like the biggest missing piece of my life.

Defining What I Want

The hardest thing in life for most is knowing what they want. This prevents you from finding it. After all, how can you find something if you don't even know what it is you're looking for. Our 'soul' purpose is to define and experience who and what we are.

My theory, which I will post a blog about later, is that we come into existence time and time again. Sort of like reincarnation, but without the dharma/karma. It's kind of like a game. The object of this game is to find and experience something in particular. Now, if for some reason you don't find it this lifetime, then you will try again. Like the "retry'' option in a video game. Or you may come back because you simply choose to. Or you may choose not to, whether you did or did not have the experience you came for. Once you have been fully recognized and awakened to your higher experience, you can finally reach oneness. Nirvana, heaven, the sumerlands, whatever you wish to call it.

I believe each life time we get closer and closer to this remembering. Remembering more and more each go. The point I am making, is that you can see that there are so many people here who would have so many lives to go, because they haven't even opened their eyes to any of this. It's like they're sleepwalking. I think that this would be my last experience of mortality on earth. I think I have come full circle, even if I am not fully awakened just quite yet. But I am trying to say that I can look at people, and almost see or feel everything about them. So unaware of all the wonderful things surrounding them. It's like being blind during the most beautiful sunrise in exsistance. I just don't understand....

Anyways.. Maybe this will help me to discover what I want.

I think my soul's desired experience is love. My heart seriously feels like it might burst with all I feel. I feel everything. I can literally feel the pain of others, absorb emotions like an empathetic sponge. All I want is for someone to be there for me. Appreciate me. See the beauty in me. Tell me i'm beautiful, and not "nice tits". I want someone to want to do special things for me, and treat me like i'm special to them. Someone to ask how my day was, and genuinely care. I've realized that people do not listen to me. Seriously! I can be talking, pouring my heart out, or simply be in casual conversations, and I can see they're not listening to one word i'm saying. I can stop speaking mid sentence without them ever asking me "what were you saying?" or, "were you going to finish?". It hurts! I give so selflessly, so lovingly, and am walked on constantly. What is wrong with me??? What is it about me that makes it difficult to listen? It's not like I'm telling some long dramatic story, like i put on these blogs. What is different about all the girls I knew in highschool that are married, or get twenty men flocking to them when they go out to a bar? Am I not marry-able? I'm not conceited, but I'm not ugly, and i'm not a bad person. What is so repellant about me that leaves me with no one to talk to, lean on, rely on, count on, or just to even know they're there?.. :(

I know i'm different than most girls. I'm laid back, i'll never ask "does this dress make me look fat", I'll always be there when someone needs me, I make sure they know I appreciate them, I don't fight over stupid things, I don't get jealous of other women, I will always listen to what you have to say, and never criticize you for saying it. I am happy, outgoing, enthusiastic, supportive, and upbeat. I like to have fun like everyone else, I love to go out, love doing things, and do things most girls don't like play video games, go shooting, play paintball... I would never hurt anyone, and have the biggest heart in the world. I'm caring, and sincere.

Is it because i have tattoos? Is it because I don't go out in 5 inch heels and clothes that just barely cover my nipples? It's not my fault i'm not coordinated enough to walk in heels! I'd fall.

:( Is it because I don't spend hours picking an outfit based only on how well it will attract the attention of the male sex drive? Or is because I'm not the cookie-cutter house wife that cooks, cleans, and raises children while maintaining a stepford wife smile? Seriously! What is it?? I'll never get to be the woman men dream up. I'll never get to be the flawless blonde with the airbrushed body complete with those dd tits that somehow are exempt from the laws of gravity. The girl who acts like martha stuart, looks like jessica simpson, and turns into carmen electra at night. I'll never be that woman. No woman could ever be that woman. It's an idealistic impossibility.

I am happy with who I am. I have a nice body, I love my boobs (because they're fun. :)), sweet personality, and I like my tattoos. I wouldn't trade my tiny 5'2, tattooed, sweetheart self for Martha Simpson-Electra any day of the week. It's just not me. Never will be.

I just want companionship. Total love. The one thing that makes me forget all the sad things in the world. The one person who is really interested in what I have to say, or what I think. Someone to talk about life's questions, or about nothing at all. The one person who can't wait to have me in their arms. Someone who would want to protect me, and want to make me happy. Someone who sees and loves the real me.

Gratitude.

I just want to take the time to vent about how sad people make me. What happened to kindness, thoughfulness, generosity, purity, genuinity, and sweetness? It hurts to see the pain that people cause others to feel. Take a brief moment and just evaluate what is important to you. What have you taken for granted recently? If someone means something to you, say it! If they did something nice for you, thank them! Do something kind and selfless for someone you care about today. Hold the door for someone, offer a helping hand, buy someone a thank you card for no reason, let someone know they mean something to you. Hold someones hand today. Make someone smile, lift someone's spirits. Send someone flowers. Let someone know that you're there for them, whenever they need you. If you have a girlfriend/wife- tell her she's beautiful today. Remind her you love her. Don't just say it, show it. Kiss her hand, hold her close, and appreciate everything about her. If she's sad, make her smile. If she's scared, hold her and let her know it's okay. Give her a back massage. Hold her close and kiss her softly without making it just a way to have sex. If you have a boyfriend/ husband, tell him you appreciate all he does for you. Leave a sweet note somewhere he will find it. Buy him dinner this time. Get him a bottle of his favorite cologne. Do a chore that he would typically do. Give him a back massage. Tell him you love him. Too many marriages fail because people have become so self absorbed and ungrateful. Too many people see only see the bad in everything, without acknowledging the good. Too many people have been too distracted by the illusions of everyday life to see what really matters. No wonder half the world is on anti-depressants. Once you see that the things that cause worry are just a distraction, you can finally smile and feel free. It's too easy to get accustomed to someone being there for you, and to not show appreciation. I just want to say that it's the littlest things that matter. The tiny gestures. I guess I feel like I give and give so much that it becomes expected, underappreciated, and never returned. I don't do things because I want something in return, of course, I do it makes me happy to make others happy- but it makes me sad to see it rarely reflected back.. :( We go through our lives not saying how we feel, not saying exactly what we mean, and it leads to not knowing exactly what we want. Be bold in your feelings, and be outspoken and honest in all that you think. Do not be afraid of what other people will think about you, because it's not about them. I am making it a goal to say what I mean, speak how I feel, and act in accordance with exactly what I want to be, do and have. You can ask me any question, and get a straight answer. I am open, honest, and have no reason to hide anything about myself from others. Hiding something admits shame in who we are, and I do not have room in my life for shame. I realize that people look at me like I am weird, odd, a 'freak', for the things I say, or the things I do, but it's only they can't figure out why I can say the things they've only thought about saying, or why I do things that they couldn't see themselves doing. Or worse, just don't understand.I guess I feel it's not enough sometimes to understand myself, but it would be nice to have someone else understand me to. Someone to be there.

*Sigh*

I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with the world.. Trying to figure out the reasons that so many things in my life fail.. Maybe someone can help me with this.. Why is it that nothing goes right? I'm an optomistic, and good person.. How come good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people? I'm not bitchin- though it may sound like it, and I am certainly grateful for what I do have in my life..
All I want is to find love. I have love, but I want that kind that you see in the movies. Unconditional, the kind that makes you feel complete- love. Okay, so ALL i ask for is four things...
1) Faithfulness- is it so impossible to find a man who doesn't cheat????? Cause I sure as hell haven't found one yet (I'll just have to move on to women I suppose). Is it so difficult to break up with someone that you cant be faithful to? Why are people so selfish?
2) Admiration- just to know that someone looks at me and thinks "damn.. she's the love of my life, i would do anything for her." Isn't that what everyone wants???
3) Head pettings.. lol, i love to have my hair played with. When you're sitting there watching a movie, cuddling up to someone, and they absentmindedly run their fingers through your hair.. There's nothing like it.
4) A back massage every once in a while. News Flash- Woman are not into sex like you think they are. Women only want to be wanted. They want to feel desirable. I could go the rest of my life without sex, because face it guys, vibrators do it better. I do it better. Women want physical intimacy of a different kind. Caresses, soft touches, romantic gestures, ect.
Thats it!!! Is that so freakin much to ask? Simple things that should be common sense! I've come to see that in my relationships I give everything I have, do all I can, and ask for nothing in return. And I get just that. Nothing. I don't want gifts, money, stuff, or things like that. I don't get jealous of other women, I don't get angry. I bend way too much, and take way too much shit. I settle for way less than I should get. I'm not saying I deserve anything more than anyone else, but every person deserves attention from the one that says "I love you." I've come to learn that "I love you" means- "I like sleeping with you when it's convienent, and I will find someone else the times that it's not convienent".
I guess what hurts the most is how blind he thinks I am. It hurts to wonder what the hell I did wrong, or what's so wrong with me that I get cheated on by everyone I am with. Is monogamy such a difficult thing to obtain? Is it really that hard? Or is it just not in our nature to be with one person? I have very little evidence that says otherwise.
All in all, love hurts. Just like I know as I am writing this, that I have tried to get the person I love to read my other blogs, thinking he may care about what I think, or be curious to see what they were about. I actually bet a hundred dollars that he never would read this. And while I am writing all of this to a stupid computer, I know that how I feel will stay just as invisible to him as I feel I am. I'm an open book! Everything anyone ever wanted to know about me could be answered if the question was asked.. I've tried so hard to matter to him.
What it comes down to, is I realize that the only 'thing' I can express how I feel to is a god damn computer. How the hell can people say they care about someone.. They don't, they only care about themselves. People will always let you down.

Defining Love

I've finally figured it out. In 9th grade I wrote a three page theory what my thoughts on love were. So, I'm going to just write a brief summary of those thoughts here, because I heard a very similar view on the Conversations with God cd's.

Okay, so love has become such a transaction. I say that because most people jump into relationships based on a 'give and take' perception. So many people, and who can blame them of course, seek love to fill a void in their own lives. To be needed by someone else, and to have someone else to need. Like a secret insecurity. People desire to have that feeling of knowing that someone loves you- someone that validates you. There is a need to feel worthy of love, and of course this is fine and well. We all seem to need that little boost. However, when love takes on this theory, it becomes so involved with requirements, and expectations of the other person. Which often leads to disappointment, and then resentment. Which leads to cheating partners and spouses, or staying in a relationship because you feel you can't let the other person down. It makes it very hard to make a relationship based on needs work.

The most basic and simple of human emotions has become the complex expression.

I want and believe a relationship that is formed not because the you need each other, but you willfully and happily want to be with each other. Two people that are equal in their own happiness with themselves, and filled with so much love and joy that their only desire is to share that with the other, in hopes they too may experience it. Two souls who require no expectations because they are simply not needed. Love should build one another to higher levels, and help to express each others higher selves. It feels a little contradicting because I think that while each should not desperately need the support of the other, it should just simply be there... I'm still working on this concept (for my own understanding), and it can be so hard to take thoughts and type or write them out. It's almost like words really can't describe it because of such a limited vocabulary.

A lot of this has evolved from what I had already thought and knew for myself as a truth, but have that great "ah hah!" moment when I heard bits and pieces of it. It's like building a puzzle. It sounds crazy, but it's like God or divine energies laying all the information I need right in front of me, and leaving the gaps to be filled. Not just on this matter of course, but all of the things I wonder about.

I guess all the pieces will one day form a beautiful realization of who I am.

Right in front of me..

I feel almost helpless.. Maybe I am completely crazy, but I feel like there's some huge truth right in front of my face that I just can't see. I can feel it's there- all my other senses are picking up on it.. It's driving me insane.

There are so many things happening right now that keep leading me right back to one point. For example, I've been studying and reading about conscious awareness, and from that, it comes at me from all directions. Friends recommending books that have lead deeper into conscious awareness.. TV shows referencing points that have been made in the book my friend gave me.. Music i've been listening to my whole life suddenly appearing to have a deeper meaning than that which I understood- a meaning that is exactly the concepts of awareness i've been searching for. It's like something guides me to all these key points, or brings the knowledge I'm seeking right to me, and some of it has been there all along. I can't really explain what this is, because like I said, i know I'm looking for something, and my soul feels so desperate to find it- yet i have no idea what it is! How do you find something when you don't know what that something is?

Also, I do feel like I'm going crazy, because I think these things, and believe in these things, and want to understand them completely. I want to know why I am here and what my purpose is.. What is my soul guiding me to? Even when I was little with no understanding of the soul I knew there was something I knew, but didn't know I knew yet.. .. I guess that sounds really stupid. It's like knowing seeing someone you know, but you can't remember their name to save your life. You know it's right there, and you'll catch it for a second, but it slips right back away.

It feels like I have this key right in my hand that will unlock a door where behind it holds the secrets, and leads to complete understanding- and i can't find the damn door!!!

I feel like since most other people don't think of these things- about what life means, or why they're here- that I'm alone. I do not mean to sound self centered, because I'm the most humble person you've ever met- but I feel way more evolved than most anyone I talk to. Almost like my friend puts it- It's like being a senior in high school trying to have and carry on a conversation with a preschooler. I am not saying I am smarter, but I feel like I have to remind myself to fit in, and talk about the things other people worry about like "Does my hair look okay?... Why doesn't he like me?... I wonder who won the game tonight.." Almost like I "dumb" down my thoughts to a level that can interact and relate to those around me. Thats the only way to put it, and like I said, I in no way feel superior to anyone else- just more aware than most.

Does anyone out there feel like this? I need to have someone to talk to so I know i'm not completely insane...

Politics vs. Religion

So, isn't there some kinda faux pas about having religion separate than state? Well, riddle me this.. How is that some of the most important issues have only religious view points to stand on?

Let's start with gay marriage. So, what legitimate reason would there be for keeping two people of the same sex for getting married? Who says it's wrong or right, or that love can only exsist between a certain gender or race? I'll tell you who. The bible. The bible claims that it is a sin against god to marry two people of the same sex. Is that not the very foundation on which the law forbidding gay marriage is built?? Well, say the people who would like to commit to each other in the beautiful act of marriage are not christian? Then, why should what the bible declares keep them from doing so? How is it not a breach of the right to freedom of religion to forbid people the right to get married to whomever they choose?? Oh yeah, because freedom of religion only applies if it's the same religion as the general populations. Also, not on a religious note, who the hells business is it if two people are gay? If you don't believe in gay marriage, fine, don't marry someone the same gender as you. Problem solved! There's no reason what-so-ever to worry about what two people who are not you do with their lives. Quit judging people less you yourself be judged, for what you judge you will soon be judged for. I honestly can't even see an alternative view for this. If you lose sleep over gay marriage, then find a spouse who will have sex with you at night. Perhaps you should be gay. Maybe people so offended by gays are secretly wishing they were open enough to realize that sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and can only hope they might experience such unrestrained happiness themselves?? Evolve people.. Problem solved.

Next, let's talk about abortion. Now, I can honestly say i see both ends of that spectrum here, and can understand how people can feel so strongly one way or the other. Which, again, fine. If you are prochoice, fine. If you're pro life, don't have an abortion. Problem solved. Again, religion backing this one up too. People feel like the soul enters the body in the fetal stage, and feel that it is murder to terminate a pregnancy. I understand that there is potential for life in those stages, and I also understand that anti-murder is not only religious, but a human moral. However, why is it not alright to terminate a pregnancy, but is okay to send people to war to kill or be killed?*a great song writter said "we don't kill our unborn, we need them to grow up and fight our wars"* How is it not okay to end pregnancy, but it is okay to put a man to his death in the electric chair? *ridiculous republicans, how can you be pro life and pro death penalty? Contradiction much??? I'm pro choice, and pro death penalty.. Ahhh, fitting combination... * Anyways. Also, if we can control the deer population, why is it unethical to control the human population? Some will say the woman should not have gotten pregnant in the first place, to which yes, i agree. However, regardless of the situation or circumstance, the woman should be able to decided whether she is or is not ready to be pregnant. Matter of fact, the world is such an unfit place to raise children these days, and so many women are not fit to have children, i think some abortions should be required by law. Yep. I think if you're under 18, and you're not even considered old enough to take care of yourself or make decisions about your own life, why in the world should you be allowed to be considered old enough to be responsible for another human being?? It makes no sense. This world is crashing down due to the ignorance of so many on the planet, so let's make more so that the ignorant and unevolved can raise them to be the same. Quit breeding people! Let's create life when we ourselves can better understand it. Let's make more children when we can raise them to not harbor the hate and conviction that we carry. Let's make more babies when our IQ's are higher than the unborn child's! So many people are just breeding new vessels of hatred. It's awful. Please also understand that i do not mean everyone. There are many wonderful parents in the world, and people with good intentions. We cannot honestly sanctify new life, when we cannot sanctify the life that already exists. Again.. Evolve.

Open your mind, and quit judging that which is not the same as you. Evaluate your own existence, rather than condemn somebody else for their own.

My Spirituality

The closest 'named religion' I would label myself would have to be Wiccan. (I can't wait for those who will respond 'you're a satan worshipper, or you're going to hell', and the likes, because here to come will only prove my point of how misguided those people are. Wake up and open your eyes! Evolve already!!) However, i believe in some aspects of Wicca, some of Buddhism, some of Christianity, but most of all, i believe in the conclusions I have come to know as truth that cannot be classified in some devision, or sect, or denomination of a religious group.

Okay, so of course I believe there is a God. But, God to me is not God to you. Most people who think they know God, only know the Biblical version. The tainted version, the false version. About 4% of Christianity makes sense to me. So many contradictions... For example "God is love, but should you mess up, you will forever be condemned to eternal hell". Just follow me on this. These teachings are tainted by mans own hand and interpretation of what they think is right, adding to or taking away as they see fit. Do you really think that even though God says in his 10 commandments "thou shalt not murder", and then turns around and says something to the effect of "Seek out those who do not have faith in me, and kill them in my name"?

Do you think that it was God's will that the church kept changing it's requirements on how you would be able to get into heaven? One day it's if you go to church and have faith in his resurrection. The next day it's only if you ask for forgiveness and confess your sins once a year. The next day it doesn't matter if you confess, now you must confess and say a succession of Hail Mary's to reduce your stay in purgatory for your sins. And the next day only those who can donate large sums of money to the church will receive restitution and a shortened time in purgatory. Until the poor began to lose faith, and then wait! The church made it so even the poor could grant those in purgatory a shorter sentence in purgatory if they light a candle and drop pennies into the church's pocket? Sounds to me like the church was not only desperate for members, but also for funds. Already i know people will read this and deny any thoughts that this is wrong, and now how christianity works. God tells us not to judge, yet there are those out there holding up signs claiming "God hates Fags".. God tells us not to kill, yet we justify stoning people in His name. You say God says not to steal or lie, yet the church will steal from the pockets of the poor and claim that it is God's requirement for their acceptance into Heaven!!

My God is not like that. My God is unconditional love. The God I worship does not hate, and has no reason to be a vengeful God. Do you think God granted us free will just to take it away with rules on how to think, live, act and talk? Do you think God puts men over women? Whites over blacks? Do you think the God you claim as loving would condemn you to eternal flames for mistakes you are inevitably going to make in a lifespan that is miniscule on the eternal time line? Again, I highly suggest Conversations with God. So many people are so closed minded that they honestly will not accept any new ideas about God. Even if those ideas are put in black in white in their bible, just pointed out in a different view. It's time we open our eyes, and accept what we already know is false, and begin seeking true insight.

God is everything. Omnipresent. Everything is connected. Me to you, you to the earth, the earth, you and me to God. Nothing is divided.. "INDIVISIBLE." God does not have opinion as to what we do, why would he/she? Do you think God could create something that would produce an effect against his/her will or wishes? Our reason for being here is live and experience. God would not put us on earth to let us run around and mess up and then leave us to hope for the best when we die.

I cannot explain this in a way to give it my full passion. Again, i hold no judgement on what anyone else believes, I just point out the reason I do not think the same thoughts. Yet, to many people, because what I say or think is different than what they do, it must be wrong.. right?

Evolve Already

I've been listening a lot to a very intense audio book called Conversations with God. If you haven't heard of it, I suggest you check it out- regardless of your religious preference. Sometimes I wonder why I seem to be the only one I know who can't just deal with things being just what they are, and nothing more. Even when I was little I sought out religion, and craved to learn everything I could about all different types of them. Now, saying that, I am not religious. But I am spiritual. I think it's important to know the difference.

People these days are so pushed away from anything more important than what they're going to wear, or what they're going to do, more or less what they are here for and what truly makes them happy. Organized religion has put out the flame on peoples faith. Who blames them? Why should people want to believe and practice faiths that have so many contradictions that you can't help but to question their credibility? I'll get into that more later.

My entire life I've sought out what's behind the curtains of what we would call physical reality. Asking questions that I don't know the answers to, and that may very well not have any answers at all. I'm making this blog more or less to be able to expand on my thoughts, and from it maybe become more aware of what I am trying to accomplish, learn, experience or achieve. Because right now, I feel incredibly lost....

I know exactly what I believe, and that works for me. I've known it my entire life. People seek religion, but you never had to seek it, you just have to remember it. I know what I believe is right. For me. My way to faith is not the only way, just a different one.

I can't seem to understand how some people think that just because someone has different thoughts or ideas about a certain thing that is different than their own, that it must be wrong. Our world is crashing down due to the closed minded and unevolved people of this earth. I just can't seem to grasp how people can be so oblivious to their own blindness..