*Sigh*

I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with the world.. Trying to figure out the reasons that so many things in my life fail.. Maybe someone can help me with this.. Why is it that nothing goes right? I'm an optomistic, and good person.. How come good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people? I'm not bitchin- though it may sound like it, and I am certainly grateful for what I do have in my life..
All I want is to find love. I have love, but I want that kind that you see in the movies. Unconditional, the kind that makes you feel complete- love. Okay, so ALL i ask for is four things...
1) Faithfulness- is it so impossible to find a man who doesn't cheat????? Cause I sure as hell haven't found one yet (I'll just have to move on to women I suppose). Is it so difficult to break up with someone that you cant be faithful to? Why are people so selfish?
2) Admiration- just to know that someone looks at me and thinks "damn.. she's the love of my life, i would do anything for her." Isn't that what everyone wants???
3) Head pettings.. lol, i love to have my hair played with. When you're sitting there watching a movie, cuddling up to someone, and they absentmindedly run their fingers through your hair.. There's nothing like it.
4) A back massage every once in a while. News Flash- Woman are not into sex like you think they are. Women only want to be wanted. They want to feel desirable. I could go the rest of my life without sex, because face it guys, vibrators do it better. I do it better. Women want physical intimacy of a different kind. Caresses, soft touches, romantic gestures, ect.
Thats it!!! Is that so freakin much to ask? Simple things that should be common sense! I've come to see that in my relationships I give everything I have, do all I can, and ask for nothing in return. And I get just that. Nothing. I don't want gifts, money, stuff, or things like that. I don't get jealous of other women, I don't get angry. I bend way too much, and take way too much shit. I settle for way less than I should get. I'm not saying I deserve anything more than anyone else, but every person deserves attention from the one that says "I love you." I've come to learn that "I love you" means- "I like sleeping with you when it's convienent, and I will find someone else the times that it's not convienent".
I guess what hurts the most is how blind he thinks I am. It hurts to wonder what the hell I did wrong, or what's so wrong with me that I get cheated on by everyone I am with. Is monogamy such a difficult thing to obtain? Is it really that hard? Or is it just not in our nature to be with one person? I have very little evidence that says otherwise.
All in all, love hurts. Just like I know as I am writing this, that I have tried to get the person I love to read my other blogs, thinking he may care about what I think, or be curious to see what they were about. I actually bet a hundred dollars that he never would read this. And while I am writing all of this to a stupid computer, I know that how I feel will stay just as invisible to him as I feel I am. I'm an open book! Everything anyone ever wanted to know about me could be answered if the question was asked.. I've tried so hard to matter to him.
What it comes down to, is I realize that the only 'thing' I can express how I feel to is a god damn computer. How the hell can people say they care about someone.. They don't, they only care about themselves. People will always let you down.