Defining What I Want

The hardest thing in life for most is knowing what they want. This prevents you from finding it. After all, how can you find something if you don't even know what it is you're looking for. Our 'soul' purpose is to define and experience who and what we are.

My theory, which I will post a blog about later, is that we come into existence time and time again. Sort of like reincarnation, but without the dharma/karma. It's kind of like a game. The object of this game is to find and experience something in particular. Now, if for some reason you don't find it this lifetime, then you will try again. Like the "retry'' option in a video game. Or you may come back because you simply choose to. Or you may choose not to, whether you did or did not have the experience you came for. Once you have been fully recognized and awakened to your higher experience, you can finally reach oneness. Nirvana, heaven, the sumerlands, whatever you wish to call it.

I believe each life time we get closer and closer to this remembering. Remembering more and more each go. The point I am making, is that you can see that there are so many people here who would have so many lives to go, because they haven't even opened their eyes to any of this. It's like they're sleepwalking. I think that this would be my last experience of mortality on earth. I think I have come full circle, even if I am not fully awakened just quite yet. But I am trying to say that I can look at people, and almost see or feel everything about them. So unaware of all the wonderful things surrounding them. It's like being blind during the most beautiful sunrise in exsistance. I just don't understand....

Anyways.. Maybe this will help me to discover what I want.

I think my soul's desired experience is love. My heart seriously feels like it might burst with all I feel. I feel everything. I can literally feel the pain of others, absorb emotions like an empathetic sponge. All I want is for someone to be there for me. Appreciate me. See the beauty in me. Tell me i'm beautiful, and not "nice tits". I want someone to want to do special things for me, and treat me like i'm special to them. Someone to ask how my day was, and genuinely care. I've realized that people do not listen to me. Seriously! I can be talking, pouring my heart out, or simply be in casual conversations, and I can see they're not listening to one word i'm saying. I can stop speaking mid sentence without them ever asking me "what were you saying?" or, "were you going to finish?". It hurts! I give so selflessly, so lovingly, and am walked on constantly. What is wrong with me??? What is it about me that makes it difficult to listen? It's not like I'm telling some long dramatic story, like i put on these blogs. What is different about all the girls I knew in highschool that are married, or get twenty men flocking to them when they go out to a bar? Am I not marry-able? I'm not conceited, but I'm not ugly, and i'm not a bad person. What is so repellant about me that leaves me with no one to talk to, lean on, rely on, count on, or just to even know they're there?.. :(

I know i'm different than most girls. I'm laid back, i'll never ask "does this dress make me look fat", I'll always be there when someone needs me, I make sure they know I appreciate them, I don't fight over stupid things, I don't get jealous of other women, I will always listen to what you have to say, and never criticize you for saying it. I am happy, outgoing, enthusiastic, supportive, and upbeat. I like to have fun like everyone else, I love to go out, love doing things, and do things most girls don't like play video games, go shooting, play paintball... I would never hurt anyone, and have the biggest heart in the world. I'm caring, and sincere.

Is it because i have tattoos? Is it because I don't go out in 5 inch heels and clothes that just barely cover my nipples? It's not my fault i'm not coordinated enough to walk in heels! I'd fall.

:( Is it because I don't spend hours picking an outfit based only on how well it will attract the attention of the male sex drive? Or is because I'm not the cookie-cutter house wife that cooks, cleans, and raises children while maintaining a stepford wife smile? Seriously! What is it?? I'll never get to be the woman men dream up. I'll never get to be the flawless blonde with the airbrushed body complete with those dd tits that somehow are exempt from the laws of gravity. The girl who acts like martha stuart, looks like jessica simpson, and turns into carmen electra at night. I'll never be that woman. No woman could ever be that woman. It's an idealistic impossibility.

I am happy with who I am. I have a nice body, I love my boobs (because they're fun. :)), sweet personality, and I like my tattoos. I wouldn't trade my tiny 5'2, tattooed, sweetheart self for Martha Simpson-Electra any day of the week. It's just not me. Never will be.

I just want companionship. Total love. The one thing that makes me forget all the sad things in the world. The one person who is really interested in what I have to say, or what I think. Someone to talk about life's questions, or about nothing at all. The one person who can't wait to have me in their arms. Someone who would want to protect me, and want to make me happy. Someone who sees and loves the real me.